5 Levers of Influence (2/5): Relationships
You’ve defined roles, shared the plan, set the deadlines. But still, nothing moves. That’s when you learn: people don’t follow structure, they follow trust.
This series of articles about influence started with the introduction to The 5 Levers of Influence. Check it now:
So we have “The 5 Levers of Influence”:
Credibility: No one listens to noise. They follow competence and consistency.
Relationships: Influence spreads at the speed of trust.
Communication: You can't lead if your ideas don’t land.
Shared Goals: Influence is easier when people care about the same outcome.
Example: You can’t fake integrity. People watch what you do.
And today, we will dive deep into item number two on the list: Relationships
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So, let’s kick off today’s article.
It happened again…
A talented colleague, promoted to lead a new cross-functional project, came to me after another frustrating meeting.
“We had clear roles, clear deadlines, and clear expectations. And still… nothing is moving.”
I could see the tension. You know when someone is trying hard not to show how annoyed they are, but it leaks anyway? That was her.
She had done everything by the book. Defined responsibilities. Set up recurring syncs. Shared a beautiful, colour-coded RACI chart.
But the team? They smiled politely. Agreed in words. Yet every time something was needed, progress slowed to a crawl.
So she asked me: “What am I missing? If the roles are clear, shouldn’t things just work?”
I smiled, not because it was funny, but because I’ve been there. More than once.
And I told her something simple:
“Work runs on roles. But people don’t. People run on trust.”
It’s like driving a car with a full tank, but no oil. The structure is there, the energy is there, but without lubrication, every part grinds and struggles.
That oil is your relationships.
The Myth: Roles and Clarity Are Enough
There’s this comforting belief, especially for people who love process (yes, I was one of them), that if you define everyone’s role clearly, work will simply flow. Like magic.
You write it down. You assign tasks. You communicate expectations.
Job done, right?
Wrong.
That belief works perfectly in diagrams. In Gantt charts. In those beautiful slides where everyone’s responsibility fits neatly in a box.
But in real life? People don’t follow boxes. They follow people.
And if there’s no relationship glue, those boxes stay empty. Or worse, they become shields that people hide behind to avoid collaboration.
Think about your own experience. Have you ever seen a project fail because someone said, “Oh, that’s not my responsibility”?
Even though the outcome affected them, too?
That’s not a process failure. That’s a relationship failure.
When people don’t feel connected, they don’t stretch. They don’t step in when things fall through the cracks. They stay inside their assigned boxes, waiting for someone else to care.
It’s not because they’re lazy. It’s because human motivation doesn’t run on job descriptions. It runs on trust, respect, and connection.
And those things are invisible until they’re missing.
Why Relationships Matter: Not Just a Nice Thing, but the Actual Infrastructure of Influence
Let's step away from the feel-good talks for a minute and get practical. Relationships in leadership are not “soft skills” you pick up after the real work is done. They are the work.
Harvard’s Amy Edmondson, in her research on psychological safety, showed very clearly: people only take risks, speak up, or collaborate when they feel safe. Not when you ask them to. Not when the process says so. When they feel it.
That safety doesn’t come from rules. It comes from trust between people. Simple as that.
Patrick Lencioni, in The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, places the absence of trust as the very first and deepest problem. Without trust, people avoid conflict, fake agreement, and never fully commit. And then we wonder why teams “lack ownership.”
But wait, there’s more.
Francis Frei, from Harvard Business School, teaches that trust is built through three things: authenticity, logic, and empathy.
Miss one, and trust falls apart.
She famously said, “When trust is lost, it’s almost always because of a wobble in one of these areas.”
You might be authentic, but if people feel you don’t understand them, empathy wobbles. And that’s enough to block influence.
It’s funny how consistent this idea is across fields.
Even in economics, Ronald Burt’s research on “social capital” shows that people with rich, trusting networks get better results, not because they’re smarter, but because they’re connected.
So we have psychology, management, and even economics saying the same thing.
Still, many professionals, especially in tech and digital work, try to lead with logic first, thinking relationships will “come naturally.” They don’t.
Not unless you work on them.
And by the way, Brené Brown’s “marble jar” story is still one of my favourite ways to explain this.
Each small act of respect, listening, and showing up drops a marble in the jar.
Break a promise, interrupt, or dismiss someone’s input?
That’s a marble out. Simple, visible, human.
When that jar is full, influence becomes natural.
When it’s empty, no amount of perfect plans will save you.
Now, think about your own projects. Where are you trying to push a boulder uphill, thinking it’s a process problem, when it’s actually a relationship problem?
That question is uncomfortable, but necessary.
Building Relationships
When people hear "build relationships," they often imagine forced networking, after-work drinks, maybe even some LinkedIn comments to stay visible.
That’s fine for visibility. But not for influence.
Relationships that support your leadership are built somewhere else. Usually, in those unglamorous, inconvenient moments where showing up is a choice, not an obligation.
For example, when a teammate struggles with a blocker that’s “not your job,” you step in anyway.
Or when you remember a small personal detail, like someone’s certification exam coming up, and you ask how it went. Not because it’s strategic. Because you care.
These moments are invisible on dashboards. They won’t give you a KPI. But they are deposits into what Ron Carucci calls your "influence bank."
And here’s the truth, many leaders avoid: People won’t follow you in hard times if they’ve only seen you when things are easy.
Think about it. Who do you trust at work? Probably the person who shows up when it’s messy, not just when it’s convenient.
Let me bring in a little from Adam Grant's Give and Take. He explains how “givers” (those who help without expecting a direct return) often build stronger networks.
But, and this is important, it is about creating genuine reciprocity over time.
Now, I know someone reading this is thinking: “But I don’t have time to be everyone’s buddy.”
Good. You shouldn’t. This is about investing in real working relationships that make collaboration smoother, faster, and more human.
One last example, very practical: When you give help without keeping score, people notice. But when you only appear when you need something, they notice that too.
Influence flows in the direction of generosity. But fake generosity smells bad. You can’t game this.
So the question is simple: Are you someone people feel safe asking for help? Or do they feel like there’s always a hidden price?
The answer to that question shapes your influence more than any RACI chart ever will.
The Silent Relationship Killers
Let’s be honest. Most people don’t lose influence because of some huge betrayal. That’s rare.
What happens way more often is death by a thousand small cuts. Tiny behaviors that seem harmless but quietly tell people, “I can’t trust you like I thought.”
And you won’t know it’s happening until you’re already out of the loop.
So, what are these small but expensive mistakes?
1. Fake Listening
You’re in a meeting. Someone shares a concern. You nod, say “Good point,” and move on without actually addressing it.
It feels small. Maybe you didn’t mean to dismiss it. You were just focused on the agenda.
But for them, it feels like you don’t care.
Real listening means stopping. Asking one more question. Making sure they know you understood, not just heard.
If people feel unheard, they stop bringing things up. Simple as that.
2. Transactional Helping
You help someone today because you’ll need a favor next week. And they can feel it.
This isn’t generosity. It’s a trade. And trades are fine in business, but relationships built on hidden agendas are weak.
People sense when your support comes with strings attached. The result? They stop opening up.
3. Disappearing Under Pressure
When a project hits a snag, do you stay close? Or do you suddenly get “busy”?
Staying visible in good times is easy. Staying present when things get uncomfortable, that’s what builds trust.
If you disappear when people need backup, they’ll remember. And next time, they won’t count on you.
4. Overpromising to Sound Helpful
It feels nice to say “I’ll take care of that” in the moment. You feel useful. They feel relieved.
But when you stretch yourself too thin and start missing deadlines, the damage shows up.
One miss might be forgiven. Repeated misses? People start to believe your word is just wishful thinking.
5. Acting Differently With Different People
You’re friendly with peers but dismissive of juniors. Or you act collaborative in meetings but undermine decisions privately.
Inconsistent behavior confuses people. Confusion breaks trust.
You don’t need to be everyone’s best friend. But you do need to be predictable in how you treat people. Predictability builds safety.
6. Talking At People, Not With Them
When you explain your brilliant plan, are you having a conversation? Or giving a lecture?
People can feel when you’re pushing your agenda without space for their input.
Influence is a two-way street. If you close that street, don’t be surprised when no one follows.
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Building Relationships That Actually Matter
(And No, You Don’t Need to Be Everyone’s Best Friend)
If you’ve read this far, you already know the truth.
It’s about behavior. Repeated behavior.
So, how do you build real relationships at work without turning into a networking robot?
Let me give you a few simple, human things that work. Not tricks. Just actions that send the right signals.
1. Ask, Then Actually Listen
Not the fake “how are you” while you check your emails. I mean: stop, look, and listen.
When you ask, “How’s the project going for you?” wait for the answer. Dig a little. Not because it’s polite. Because that answer might tell you something no dashboard will.
People feel when you’re present. And that presence builds connection.
2. Help Without Keeping Score
Offer help even when there’s no immediate return for you.
It doesn’t have to be dramatic. A quick review of a document. Sharing context with a new colleague. Connecting someone with the right person.
Small acts of generosity create strong emotional memory. People remember how you made their work easier.
And when you do need support, you won’t have to ask twice.
3. Be Consistent, Especially When It’s Inconvenient
Anyone can be reliable when it’s easy. Your influence grows when you’re still that person under stress.
If you said you’ll follow up, do it. Even when you’re tired. Even when it’s not urgent for you anymore. That’s where trust gets built.
4. Show Up in the Grey Zone
Processes are clean. Reality is messy.
Most real work happens in informal moments, hallway chats, quick calls, and side threads.
Be present there. That’s where influence spreads. Formal meetings are where people nod. Informal moments are where people decide.
5. Be Human First, Leader Second
It sounds obvious, but many forget.
Say “I don’t know” when you don’t. Apologize when you mess up. Share a personal story when it helps people connect.
Leadership is about being someone people want to solve problems with.
That human touch is what turns “colleagues” into real working relationships.
One Last Thought
Building relationships is not a side quest. It’s the infrastructure that holds your influence together.
And it’s slow. You won’t feel it working every day.
But you will feel when it’s missing.
So, next time you feel stuck, when people nod but don’t engage, when projects crawl despite clear plans, stop looking at the process.
Ask yourself: How strong are my relationships here?
Do they trust me enough to care?
If the answer is “I’m not sure,” then good. You just found your next leadership opportunity.
It’s not in another tool. It’s right there, in how you connect.
And that’s what we’re here for.
Next time, we’ll talk about Communication! Not the slides, but the way your words actually land with people.
For now, you know what to do. Go build trust, one small signal at a time.
They’re watching. Quietly. And they’ll follow when they know you’re real.